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You think that you've healed, moved on and put everything back into it's proper place in your emotional bank when you slam head on.....bam...............out of the blue into that emotional brick wall that can drive you to your knees, begging for mercy and breathless with grief.

I want to scream and I want to cry..........loud, endless sobs that purge the pain from the depths of my being. Your heart is the organ that keeps you alive, they say that emotion doesn't really reside there, it's home is in your brain. Why then when pain grips you, does it feel like it is squeezing your heart? That is will cease to beat???

The questions are left unanswered....forever until I see your face in our heavenly kingdom.

Who do you look like? Your Daddy or your Mommy? Maybe one of your siblings...... do you have the same blue- green eyes that they have and the cupid's bow lips? Does your giggle melt the hearts of those around you? Are you shy or do all of the angels know your name? What would your little voice sound like calling my name?

Have you found your great grandpa's yet? Oh how they will love you! Grandpa M. will be taking you fishing in God's heavenly waters and Grandpa F. will have you help him put the chickens up when dusk arrives. I know you are well cared for...... Grandma's M & F will spoil you rotten with their goodies and endless hugs....

I only knew you for just a little while but I do miss you....I loved you before you even were. Your Daddy misses you, too. I see it in his eyes when he doesn't know it's showing.

You were just too perfect for this world. God knew that and he needed you at home with him. Little did we know that thru you he would open our hearts to the possibility of Lillianne. I bet you knew all along and I bet the day she was born, you and God were smiling.

Thank you little one for letting me hold you for a little while, though not in my arms but in my body and my heart. I never saw your face my sweet one, but I will know you in that very first moment we meet in Heaven. I love you............

I'm not much for blogging now.........this was more for me than really for anyone to read. I know somewhere in the past year of blogging, I have probably written about this before, but again...this is really me trying to work thru my feelings. I found out a friend in one of my parenting groups has lost a baby and in trying to find the words of comfort to offer her, I have fallen.... I don't think it ever stops hurting, may just dim for a bit until it is brought back by a stark reminder. Kiss your babies, make sure they are tucked in tight....I'm off to love on my other four.... goodnight