"That which does not kill you, makes you stronger".
That seems to be the motto that life has adopted for me lately. I seem to have had no say in the adoption of that motto. No vote, no papers to sign...just adopted.
I knew that one day I would be facing choices about my health, knew that one day the pain would get to me but I was so full of youth, activity and healthy that it just sort of snuck up on me when my back was turned. I never thought that it would be so profound when it did hit, I thought that it would be a slow progression, give me some time to act like I was in denial. Nope, just as quickly as the accident that caused all of the damage happened, the pain showed up.
What has it taken from me? Well, I won't be water skiing anymore, I will never snow ski. I won't do another cartwheel, won't do the splits. Oh well, I will just ride the jet skis, I despise the cold and think that there is something moderately insane about careening down a mountain slope and my kids would DIE of embarrassment if I did the cartwheel or splits. Seriously, they might disown me.
With the help of the CPSA and their CPSIA law, it forced me to cancel the move of my store and close my business in it's brick and mortar format. That was heartbreaking but thru that struggle it gifted me with the time I was missing with my children. I didn't realize how much I was having to give up in pursuit of my "dream". Things were so much more hurried and stressed. We would still have dinner together but there was always so much more urgency. Urgency to get things done, homework finished and maybe run back up to the store to work until after bedtime. Stress!
My accident was horrible, life changing and painful, it is painful now years later.
It was also just about the greatest gift I could have received, it is a gift that unfolds more every day and year of my life. Sometimes those gifts take a little longer for me to be receptive to, for me to open my heart to but God continues to give them to me. God didn't cause my wreck but he did use it as a teaching tool, a tool to draw me closer and an opportunity to show his gift of love and forgiveness that continues.
In the moments and days following the gifts were so much more obvious. Starting the moment that I heard that voice telling me to put on my seat belt. I was young and invincible and sadly didn't always wear my seat belt but the voice was so compelling that I listened. It saved my life, there is no doubt. In the moments before my car stopped I heard that same voice calling me home, or rather letting me know that I could come home or I could stay if I chose but it would be the hardest thing I had ever done. I wanted to be a mother and that is what I fought for. Another gift came weeks before my accident. It came in the form of what I think was a Guidepost magazine. It was an article about a nurse that was injured, she knew thru her profession that she needed those helping her to keep her talking, keep her awake at all costs. She knew that there was a strong chance that she would die if she lost consciousness due to shock. That story came to me while under the tarp while the rescue workers were cutting me out of my car. I remember telling the EMT that was with me to keep talking to me, to not let me pass out. She did, she kept me talking until I was in the ambulance and under care. The Dr's in St Louis said that may have saved my life. My parents were told I would not live, the gift of determination and a bit of stubbornness let me fight hard to live. I was told I might never walk and would most likely never be able to have children. I'm walking, albeit with pain now and am the mother of four amazing children.
When I was young, I didn't know what I wanted in life, was full of frustration, anger at being moved from my "home" to a new town that was hard to meld in to, especially being so shy. I certainly wasn't prepared to know true love when I found it. I was too young to recognize it and was told I was too young to be in love. I walked away from what truly was my love...walked away because I believed it couldn't be real. Another most amazing gift from that accident was that eventually, thru a long and winding path it brought me back to that love, who just happened to need my stubbornness, love and determination to help him get thru an ongoing healing process from his own horrible accident.
Today the gifts are more subtle, I have been slowed down, forced to take my time and therefore, I enjoy more around me. I get to work while sitting on my bed with my puppy at my feet and my baby girl coloring beside me. I get to be still and listen, listen to God's plan for my life. I see that it is the quiet times with my family, the silliness that kids bring, the snore of the boxer baby sleeping, the hand of the man that I love holding mine when the pain is almost too much bear, the long phone calls with my Mom or my Sister.....those are the gifts that mean more than anything. Those are the gifts that were brought into my life thru pain in a round a bout way but are the same gifts that will get me thru the pain tomorrow.
Be thankful, slow down, recognize and enjoy your gifts.
That seems to be the motto that life has adopted for me lately. I seem to have had no say in the adoption of that motto. No vote, no papers to sign...just adopted.
I knew that one day I would be facing choices about my health, knew that one day the pain would get to me but I was so full of youth, activity and healthy that it just sort of snuck up on me when my back was turned. I never thought that it would be so profound when it did hit, I thought that it would be a slow progression, give me some time to act like I was in denial. Nope, just as quickly as the accident that caused all of the damage happened, the pain showed up.
What has it taken from me? Well, I won't be water skiing anymore, I will never snow ski. I won't do another cartwheel, won't do the splits. Oh well, I will just ride the jet skis, I despise the cold and think that there is something moderately insane about careening down a mountain slope and my kids would DIE of embarrassment if I did the cartwheel or splits. Seriously, they might disown me.
With the help of the CPSA and their CPSIA law, it forced me to cancel the move of my store and close my business in it's brick and mortar format. That was heartbreaking but thru that struggle it gifted me with the time I was missing with my children. I didn't realize how much I was having to give up in pursuit of my "dream". Things were so much more hurried and stressed. We would still have dinner together but there was always so much more urgency. Urgency to get things done, homework finished and maybe run back up to the store to work until after bedtime. Stress!
My accident was horrible, life changing and painful, it is painful now years later.
It was also just about the greatest gift I could have received, it is a gift that unfolds more every day and year of my life. Sometimes those gifts take a little longer for me to be receptive to, for me to open my heart to but God continues to give them to me. God didn't cause my wreck but he did use it as a teaching tool, a tool to draw me closer and an opportunity to show his gift of love and forgiveness that continues.
In the moments and days following the gifts were so much more obvious. Starting the moment that I heard that voice telling me to put on my seat belt. I was young and invincible and sadly didn't always wear my seat belt but the voice was so compelling that I listened. It saved my life, there is no doubt. In the moments before my car stopped I heard that same voice calling me home, or rather letting me know that I could come home or I could stay if I chose but it would be the hardest thing I had ever done. I wanted to be a mother and that is what I fought for. Another gift came weeks before my accident. It came in the form of what I think was a Guidepost magazine. It was an article about a nurse that was injured, she knew thru her profession that she needed those helping her to keep her talking, keep her awake at all costs. She knew that there was a strong chance that she would die if she lost consciousness due to shock. That story came to me while under the tarp while the rescue workers were cutting me out of my car. I remember telling the EMT that was with me to keep talking to me, to not let me pass out. She did, she kept me talking until I was in the ambulance and under care. The Dr's in St Louis said that may have saved my life. My parents were told I would not live, the gift of determination and a bit of stubbornness let me fight hard to live. I was told I might never walk and would most likely never be able to have children. I'm walking, albeit with pain now and am the mother of four amazing children.
When I was young, I didn't know what I wanted in life, was full of frustration, anger at being moved from my "home" to a new town that was hard to meld in to, especially being so shy. I certainly wasn't prepared to know true love when I found it. I was too young to recognize it and was told I was too young to be in love. I walked away from what truly was my love...walked away because I believed it couldn't be real. Another most amazing gift from that accident was that eventually, thru a long and winding path it brought me back to that love, who just happened to need my stubbornness, love and determination to help him get thru an ongoing healing process from his own horrible accident.
Today the gifts are more subtle, I have been slowed down, forced to take my time and therefore, I enjoy more around me. I get to work while sitting on my bed with my puppy at my feet and my baby girl coloring beside me. I get to be still and listen, listen to God's plan for my life. I see that it is the quiet times with my family, the silliness that kids bring, the snore of the boxer baby sleeping, the hand of the man that I love holding mine when the pain is almost too much bear, the long phone calls with my Mom or my Sister.....those are the gifts that mean more than anything. Those are the gifts that were brought into my life thru pain in a round a bout way but are the same gifts that will get me thru the pain tomorrow.
Be thankful, slow down, recognize and enjoy your gifts.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home